when i wear my black leather jacket and leggings and my black leather boots i think of you.
whenever i smoke a cigarette in front of my house i think you you you
and the conversations we use to have of our haunted childhoods.
when youre parents desrted you into bootcamp, when my mother kicked me out,
when our parents didnt love us enough and how they hated us when we didnt love them either.

when ever i think of you, i think of the heartbreak i suffered when we could of been together. fucking each other, telling each other how happy we were being in each other. how happy we were laughing at how mean we were to each other, slapping each other, scratching each other.

lying to each other,
yelling at each other,
being gentle with each other,
missing each other,HATING EACH OTHER
being rough with each other.


we were together together together.
in the simplest of ways.
and i wish i could have realized it then.

I love you.

And I love you because of this.
When we were in your car that night and you asked me if I thought I was pretty and I scoffed and said no.

You looked at me with the most serious I've ever seen you be and you told me.
"No. You are pretty.
You're a pretty girl.
And you know it.
That's why you hate to admit it."

That's the closest I've ever come to feeling beautiful.

I wasn't too drunk to remember that moment. I have the scar to remind us of that night. Proof that our love once burned in a cemetery, in a car, in a bathroom. Under the moon that baptized our love that was wrong, that was right. That was destined for failure the moment we knew it wasn't worth the fight.

We pissed on the earth, we kissed the sky. We held each other and knew the sun rised for us only.
That was the night I knew you only my blood pumped and pumped for your eyes and your brown skin against mine, and your pink tongue against mine.
One day I will see you again.
One day we'll meet.

Whenever this time of year comes around, the cold and the browning of leaves brings me back to you and the love I have always stored away for you.

This year, that love won't come.
I've replaced you too many times these past months for me to remember how we loved one another.
I've forgotten what that kind of love feels like.
I'm numb to your eyes and your touch.
My body no longer knows softness, my ears no longer know your words.
I am numb to your kiss.
My body had grown tough with experience.
Scars from other loves that have replaced you since those rainy days in November.
The dreams don't come around anymore where we're together.

But whenever this time of year comes around, I will remember how we loved one another in secret. And how I used to ache for you in the cold.

I've been looking at the bite marks.
And it scares me that its still there.
And I've kissed sunlight much longer than I have you.
And I've drank whatever liquor is near to forget you.
And the saddest songs have been playing on my record player.
My body aches. My throat hurts cus of the smoke. It reminds me of you. And me. You and me.
But it's still there.
My brown skin turns browner everyday with each day spent in this hot heat. My brown skins turns browner with each city I run away to.
And its still not gone.
You're with me everywhere. Its disgusting. Its hopeless.

HURT ME. HURT ME. HURT ME.
BITE ME. And you did. And I screamed and laughed because I made you hurt me. So that when you finished hurting me altogether it wouldn't feel so bad because I let you.

Don't come back. Don't come back. Please. Come back.
I've never felt happiness so give me what I know. HURT ME.

When I'll look at my life at my passing moment and put my life memories into fractions. You won't even be a brief second.
You're less than a second.not half a second, not a quarter or an eighth.
And that makes me want to vomit.
It makes me so sick to know it was so quick.
You were absolutely beautiful and naïve. Brief but brilliant.
I'll forget about you in a year and I'll come across your face later in life and whisper to whoever is with me, I know that guy. He looks so familiar.
You were familiar even when I first met you. And thats what scares me most about you already being gone.

forget what i said about wanting to make love.

no, im fine with the emptiness. im fine with not feeling anything.
i dont want any of that.

Tell me something only the two of us would know.

Its me.Trust me.

No, tell me something.

Like what?

Something only you and me would know.

The cemetery.

Ok.

This light over me is screaming at me. But fuck it, ignore it, kill it.
there is a numbness to everything right now,
and im killing whatever is left with alcohol and boys that don't matter.

i feel disconnected to my spirit, im stuck in feeling my body too much.
my thoughts arent what they used to be.
i dont care about the people i used to anymore.
i care about people who don't matter.
my thoughts run through my errors in the past.

i dont want to fuck you. i dont want to fuck any of you.
i want to make love.
how can i make love when i love none?

bring on that dark place. i am not scared of my mind anymore.

Hey come here
Let me whisper in your ear
I hate myself and I want to die

Don't remember writing this. Found it in my journal mustve been a drunken night.

Spreading my thighs, spreading my lips for nothing
But the little love you
Have for me in your hips and thighs.
You are no good for me.

yeah all the boys had a thing for me

2-22-10 i wrote this a while back and only today did i decide to publish the post. strange.


In the past three nights, each night was reserved for a dream of one of you.

The first was a reality I knew too well. You were standing in front of me, with your sweet eyes looking away. Your smile was sweeping those simple girls up into some dream that one day you'll take them home to meet your mother. When no one was looking we'd laugh and tell each other stories of when we were little kids and what we used to be afraid of. Like the dark, those clowns in that one movie, the dentist. We admitted to each other that sadly we still felt like those little kids. We just didn't know what to do with each other. When no one was looking we'd tell each other stories of all the bad things we've done in our life and who's hearts we had broken. You planned your life with security. I dreamt my life with sadness.
I would like to have your warm tongue.

The second night I dreamt I woke up from a dream and your face was lying in my neck and you heavy breath sticking to my neck. You were on my left side and your eyes were closed in some days of what we could call love. In this dream we didn't talk, like how we do when are awake together. I felt your body against me down to my ankle. And the sheets were white and it was cold and bright. And your warm tan skin was against my brown skin. And you were going away like you actually are in life. As they all do go, except yours is a bit different. You'll go and you'll kill and that will kill the little of you that was left that I loved dearly. I would like your kiss one more time.

And the last was the saddest. I dreamt of the oldest love story my infant body has known.
I had seen you briefly like I have in these past months. And somehow I didnt feel your sad soul close to me like I used to. I jumped into a pool of sadness, my clothes disintegrated and I was left floating naked, my straight pressed hair curling back to its ways. And you asked if I was kay in a polite manner that wasnt really concern. And then told me the pool was going to be used for something else now. So i climbed my way out, trying to ignore my embarrassing nudity. You politely asking if i needed a ride home. I said no, it was fine. And you jumped into that pool with no problem at all and swam away so gracefully. I would like to have your heart breaking for mine once again.

The bite mark on my arm is slowly fading.
The color I wish would never fade is asking for more and more.
To have your lips kissing mine.
Your eyelashes on my cheek.
your hand grabbing my ass.
The sadness lies not in our moments of touching and my wet tongue sliding down your neck.
but in your lies that smell like truth off your breath, when youre holding me.
I hide from the lights of cars passing by, lying on your chest.
But now my paranoia has set in again. while youre fucking someone else
and holding someone else the same way.
loneliness is such a tragic trait for such a beautiful boy such as you.

you were reeeeeeeeeeeeeeepoterted as a lover of all assaults of all worries,>
forget about the money. forget about the weed.
i think about this all the time and i worry i will fuck you in the Early morning with some sick sorry sadness THAT i will contort into some sad madness that is called insanity.

come tell me i shouldn't worry about what will come out of your mouth.
this is the sickness that is lingering in the sad holes of my brain,
i have loved you sadly forever.