marlboro reds

i bought a pack of cigarettes.
marlboro reds. this was a stupid idea.
i cant stop smoking them. theyre disgusting but i fucking love it. i love them with food. with coffee. with music. i like smoking them while smoking herb. i like smoking them when im thinking. i like smoking before i sleep.

i found this beautiful photo of brenda from valentine's day.
we got really drunk off a bottle of vodka and some tequila and laughed our asses off.
i lit incense and brenda couldnt take the smoke and ran to the bathroom.
i took pictures and this is what happened.

my dreams have been beautifully heartbreaking.
i think thats the main reason i put off sleeping so well.
i hate sleeping because it leads to the dreams.
and the dreams are why im in this mess.
if i didnt have such a sad sad dreams maybe there wouldnt be these feelings.

im sincerly yours,
piale

i need to go buy a camera quick.
im going insane with all this routine. all this 9-5 shtick i have going on.
its bad for my body. its bad for my fucked up mind.

why do i feel like im missing some sign?

what do you

see when you

see inside of me

if i had a heart i could love you.
if i had a voice i would sing.

-fever ray

i was on to every play, i just wanted you

went dancing. saw people from different times.
i danced till i puked with a cold sweat running down my back.
guys wouldnt stop trying. 'no, thank you.'
the words that come of their mouths disgust me.
your hands disgust me. because they are not enough.
they are beautiful boyz, but they are nothing in blind eyes.
its sad how my thoughts work.
i know who is reading this at the moment.
and thats what keeps me from leaving playground dreams.

today is may 25th.
the sadness that runs through my mind two years later.
failing at stopping sadness is a mind going insane.
two years ago. right fucking now i kissed death lightly on the cheek.
i cant seem to remember my thoughts, i know everything was so strong though. every emotion, every action, every thought. every fucking word, music that was playing.
the shaking still hasnt left. i still wont fix it.
i wont fix it. i wont fix it. i wont fix it.
today is my brother's birthday.
i think if i were to write a book of my life right now that would be the title.
and i think only sarah song would get that title. :)

"for its such a lovely day to have to always feel this way."
wandering star -portishead

i feel so absent in some aspect. its not bad. i just dont know where my thought are.

dreams of apocalypses, the universe, my sister, you.
also been waking up paralyzed again. im starting to get the feel of it more.
it feels like child-like. like when a child throws a tantrum, that type of innocent intensity.

p.s. buffalo 66 is terribly beautiful. now go watch it.

note to self:


CREATE.

these days

june gave me a tarot reading.
shes good, has potential.

dropped water on my phone while painting.
phoneless as of now. im kind of excited about this.
some sort of isolation.

smoking. reading a good book. dreaming.
done with school on wednesday.

there is a beauty to life that is missing now.
im tired of my knowledge.
im tired of my jealousy.
im tired of my past.

siigghhh...

im extremely saddened that i have given up.
but its all i can do.

this is our last goodbye..

some scribble from a journal

toy soldier and rainbowarrior

the look in your eyes fills my lungs with icy cold stone floors, the burnt smell of match,
sweat dripping down the inside of a thigh.
i blow smoke into your eyes.
you grab my knee in an innocent attempt to spread my legs.
i feel your tempting thoughts as i pushed your shoulders away.

stop.

'can you tell me my future, my seer?'
the smell of tension is coming off your skin.
licking your palms to exhale your future.
i can taste your every move to come.

nostalgia is leaking out of your eyes.
lust is opening your arms.

and watching you put your shirt back on with that sad smile you smile so well,
was the saddest sight i have seen.
and now, ........
back to regular broadcasting

unconcious

im in a place of unconsciousness.
i dont know where my thoughts really are right now, in everything.
two weeks ago, i was a heartbroken mess. today i am numb?
a week ago, i was playing games with an old friend and today i could care less?
something is wrong with me. terribly wrong. but im glad its mostly internal.
im up all night writing in this simple black journal i bought last monday.
i sleep all day, with toulouse biting my feet and chewing at my dead flowers.
im not in the streets pulling my hair out, screaming, tearing my clothes off.
although i think that would be great fun to do ;)

hands down, im too proud for love

fuuuuuuuuucckkk.....

first. weekend. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i had four different cakes. i feel EXTREMELY LOVED.

i love my friends. i did know something was going on. i did see sarah's car and i did see the light go off before i came inside. but still! it made me happy.

i have this thing where on my birthday, i get really nostalgic and a bit gloomy. i try and hide it but its not something that can be easily hidden. but despite every bad thing, the moment when i took a shot with david right before blowing out my candles and 'go slowly' was playing in the background and my friends were singing me happy birthday in the dark, i thought, this is going to be one of those moments that flash back right before you die. (NOT AS CHEESY AS IT SOUNDS) one of the nicest things my friends have ever done for me. i felt really grown-up. but it wasnt bad! it was peaceful.

"when im at the pearly gates, this will be on my videotape."

and i got a wise word from a friend. when i hear the words come from everyone else, they usually dont mean a thing to me. i continue with my stupid mistake of holding on to the last pieces of hope floating on the surface of the blood being pumped into my heart. this friend, though. hearing it from him something just clicked into place. thank you, victor.

things feel different. this is my last chance to things right.
im going to take action, im done with waiting for actions.
and i think i might stop blogging. we'll see.

and today. fuuuuuckkkk.
reunited with a good ole friend today.
its strange how no matter much we change, the energy between two resurfaces.
its very strange the things sex and lust can do to a person. be careful, we can become possessed.
air can be filled to the brim with sexual energy.
damn.
more on this business later....

aborting the bizzaro ghosts of my soul

i had a dream about three future abortions this afternoon.
and a couple days earlier i had a dream of a psychic by the ocean and he told me things.
had the sleep paralysis today, except i didnt freak out but i had this extreme pain inside my skull. today it felt very young. child-like.

p.s. crying over the fact that in less than 24 hours i will be 20.




"Wild willow, windy winter won't you blow through me
My whole eternity"
cocorosie - animals