good day....

took photos of some of the stuff me and june are putting up on etsy. i also plan on getting some prints done so i can possibly start making some extra change. nothing feels better than smoking a bowl, eating my fake chicken and an orange. orange chicken? no. i took a picture of my cat masturbating. its really funny. would it be invading his privacy if i post it? let me figure that out, first. and then i'll post it.

im in some strange slumber that feels like dreaming, and i start sensing whats going to happen. and my eyesight is better but my memory is shit.

you wouldnt believe the things im doing that are so good for me. and you wouldnt believe the things i do from keeping myself from completely falling apart. must i always be this way?
must i always have these feelings?
my mind is fucking with itself.
BLAH.

heres two of my scarves.




heartbroken, i've been for you...

I know your heart can't grieve what your eyes don't see.

But you were my favorite moment, of our dead century.


Dreams- TV on the Radio



You've got me worried and wondering....


worried and wondering...

David was home. <3
We had several domestic disturbias.
We did many illegal things. I made him bleeeed. And he sexually harassed me at least twice.
Toulouse is driving me crazy.
But I'm starting to love my little boy more and more everyday.
June finally has gotten the full effect of 'dem medicinal herbs. Finally! After years of trying.
I've been on a bob marley and the wailers binge. And I really want to jetski my way to jamaica. There is so much heritage and history within jamaica. There's much empowerment within reggae.

Its been a good week.

i dont want to wait in vain for your love...

i dont want to wait in vain.

its your love that im waiting for.
its my love that your running from.

-bob marley and the wailers



i smoke and read in bed and listen to marley sing me my thoughts.






p.s. purrrrrrrrrrrr...... my love child.

On monday me and june decided to go to some vegetarian cafe. (Yes, we're not afraid to be a stereotype of vegetarian earth-loving scarf-knitting liberals.) But before that we managed to lock ourselves out of Tea Stains. So june pulled a mission of breaking into the place because I had just smoked and just wanted to play. I did cart wheels in the sun and grass and tried to make photographs out of june breaking into the place. and was trying to keep Link from stealing the last of my cough drops.
Life felt so simple and easy. I don't know. It felt like my grandma's backyard. So full with fun and insects and fruit.
Then we went to some vegetarian cafe in long beach and I managed to trip out on the cashier. I ate a yummy bagel sandwich and gulped down green/white tea.
And then bought anne of green gables at some vintage shop for a dollar.
Anne of green gables was my first heroine, I think.
She was the amanda palmer of green gables. Some freak weird girl who talks to much about her feelings and looks weird with her carrot hair. And is VERY unlady like.

I've been smoking a fair amount. Its good and bad, I guess. I'm just trying to figure some shit out.
I'm heavy-hearted.
I'm light-headed.
It is just me and my mind, having conversations, arguments, therapy sessions, absences.

P.S.
I can feel your closeness, its scaring me.

so. the past weeks have been extremely tiring and too much.
i have had many crazy nights and then those extremely quiet smoking nights.
i have needed these nights.
i feel miserable in all these beautiful moments.

at work i caught a cough from one of the babies.
and i have been plegm--filled and having mild to severe cough attacks that are actually pretty funny to witness. but not when you're the one who cant breathe and is poppin' cough drops like candy.

school has been a very strange mess of revelations, frustrations and crushes on every other boy in my magic, witchcraft, religion class. including my 60-something teacher.

the dreams continue. but I have learned to block them out. and forget them. until somehow a word someone says during the day, or a song comes on and i realize what i dreamed about..... its only natural that they are primed over.

so i have been sick and extremely tired.
but its non-stopping.
the things i have been doing to get any sort of rise,
are slowly not filling me up anymore.
everything is falling into some sort of routine.
one thing i learned last year up north is that routine will be the death of me.
this order is a shadow in the mirror.
this doesn't make sense, im sure. thats fine though.

i have photos!
anthony came over with lots of medicinal herbs. :)
and i had the four wines me and david stole from his mom.
and good photos came out of that.
The wine was terrible, the weed was good and so were the strawberries.
and i see real art being made out of these two.








i bought a bunch of strawberries off of a woman, carrying her daughter while trying to sell a cart of strawberries. it was a sad image and we drove off but i had to go back and buy some.
so i bought 10 dollars worth of strawberries.
Its scary how bad things are going to get with the economy. It has already hit too close to home.
The deficit is predicted to be in the trillions in the next decade. When the fuck did we get in the trillions???



the lamp over my bed makes beautiful lighting.
i kind of want to start a series of portraits on my bed of people i ask.
all the regular beautiful faces, but i need more subjects.

Everything is so full of fear and sadness mixed with so much potential....

i am sadness sitting quietly at your bedroom door

The woods are waiting patiently for the day they will rule once more.
The blessed herbs will no longer be contained.
Bernie Maddoff will long be gone.
And I will still be missing all the absent moments.
Today, I am waiting to be fired.
Today, I am waiting to get caught.
Today, I am waiting for 5 o'clock to come around.

soft and sweet

saw jason webley tonight.
with sxip shirey.

beautiful.
sxip shirey hypnotized me with his beautiful instruments.
he played one song, and he said he wrote the song for a woman he was a little bit in love with.
and they were in hot austin, texas and they had decided it would be best if they stopped having sex with each other. and of course theyre was that deep sexual tension that can only be felt, not described.
and he started playing this song.
this song was love.
this song was love-making.
this song was fucking.
im sure sxip shirey is twice my age, but jesus.
that man and his magical musical instruments could take me anywhere.

jason webley is beautiful!!!!
no other words to describe him.
he is kind,hilarious,awkward, sexy, humble, the list goes on and on.
he made me bite into his pear and then killed me.
no,literally. it was quite embarrassing.
but i would do it all again so he could look at me like that.

and it was a strange thing driving there and back because we somehow (by pure fucking chance) ended up in places of memories i regret having with certain people.
it was heart-breaking in a way.
but once the heart fully breaks then it can fully mend.






i have a lot more to say than just this.
but this is all for now.

toulouse

tomorrow is a very special day.
the only boy i would ever let into my home is coming home.


im so excited and happy!

his name is toulouse....

i'll let you know how it goes!


meow....



p.s.

me, a hot tranny mess at blow upjust wait til next month's...

details of your look

The past three nights I have dreamt.
It seems like when I do dream, they are only dreams of you.
And I hate that so fucking much.
This dream was different though.

So today, I am nostalgic.
My thoughts revolve.

But these days always come around.
And then they pass.

I'll be fine.

to be here, you first have to die

Yesterday we went to seacca.
And we went to "look".
So we went and its such a terribly sad place. what they don't show you the other wards they have in the back.and the not so cute cats. And the ones that are next to be put to sleep. Which is such a sad thought.
we found a cat and he's beautiful and loving. And his tail is missing. He's gorgeous. We can't resist.
So thursday if all goes as planned. He will come home with us.

Lately I've been connecting everything to everything. Putting together pieces, in everything.
The universe. The government. Our economy.. My life.
Friendships.money. Insecurities. Plans.
i read somewhere, i dont know where. i think its some children's book from the 70's that i bought from the old lady store was
in order for life to go on, life has to die.

i believe in that in so many ways.

i blew up la

SO!

after MANY people flaking to go to blow up.
me and june were like fuck this shit.
we got dressed up, looking like the crazy people we are.
i had a big rose in my hair.

it turns out they were hosting the club at this abandoned church. ON SKID ROW.
it was fucking scary.
so some guy walking around asked us if he could drink in our car.
of course we said yes, because we're terribly nice people.
but we stuck through it, got in.
and my god, the place is fucking gorgeous.

while i was standing some guy came up to me and took an extremely close picture with his fisheye, and told me i looked like rosario dawson.
that made me want to barf a little. the fact that a guy would say that.
later on when i went out for a smoke this guy who had been dancing next to me, stopped me asking for a lighter, told me i had some 'fancy footwork'
then he asked if he could borrow me for a second to sacrifice me.
then his friend squirted lighter fluid around me.
i freaked the fuck out and grabbed june and walked away.
everyone kept trying to buy djarums off of me. some guy asked to buy one. HAH. no way.

i lost my phone twice!

i blazed with some guys from montebello.
they talked about some really stupid shit.
then this guy with really cool shoes that he got from london kept bumming cigs off of me.
and his hot ass shy friend started asking if we liked bluegrass.(its always the shy ones)
they were from south gate?
then the guy who got in our car earlier came over.
and those guys got in this stupid argument.
while me and june were annoyed.
guys were tryna pound that shit.
i dont go to clubs to get hit on.
i go to clubs to dance by myself.

other than that. i danced my fucking heart out. i was a mess by the end of the night.
if youre not a mess by the end of the night, you obviously didnt dance your best.

i kept seeing flashes in my face.
so im sure theres some pictures from that night floating around on the internet.
i'll post some if i find any...


p.s. i saw you yesterday.
you looked so empty.