dreading 20

amanda palmer would be an early taurus too.

oh 20.
you are here much too soon.
dont get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting older. its life, its natural.
but i think it is a terribly sad thought to know that i will NEVER EVER in this life again be a teenager.its done and over with. like i said, nothing wrong with that. but its a little sad, no?

sigh.



melancholy dreams, lately. but they are mere dreams, that is all.

sharpen my body like a pen

i feel fucking weird.
im getting sick again.
fuck. fuck. fuck.
lets just not hope its as serious as i think it is.

i fell in love today with a business man today. he is a terrible angel with tattoos painted on his bare shoulders.
bathing in his stupidity with such beautifully sad eyes.
when his hands opened to me, smoke coughed out of my lungs. and thats all i need to love this man sincerely.
today i fell in love with a bad bad man.
say you like it. say you need it,
when you dont.

"raphael, you know just how to take me in the swimming pool like a child being baptized." -cocorosie

last night made me just want to dance forever.
i want to constantly be moving to sound.
to thoughts. to love. to youth.

and you move like shadows in the dark....

I want to make love to my sickness.
They want to fuck the last bits of my spirit.

I don't have a fucking name!
Stop asking me!

Apres moi le deluge.


tonight was insanity.
i need to think a lot over.
and sleep.....

"and then i had to climb down.
i went down to see the sun rise."
-the knife
(i swear all i could do is quote the knife.... sigh. one good fucking band.)

the sun is changing its color...

too much sunlight today.
and i was inside for most of the day. thats telling you something. global warming perhaps?
before we know it, we'll all be running around like blind sheep dying of thirst.


ive been feeling awfully guilty lately.
the Earth is going to finally kill the fungus.
so really, i should be feeling bad for us.
we'll soon be gone. which isnt a good thing for us.
but i think id rather sacrifice the human race in order for everything else to survive.

420

4:20

today was a strange mess. i had only 3 hours of sleep.
did not go to my spanish class. :|
instead drove to some random parking lot with andrea where we caught up after not seeing each other for what seemed like forever! and we did the usual amount of uncontrollable laughter and weirdness in which we speak our own language. and talk about certain virgins. and invent things like glitter sex.


went to magic, witchcraft, religion and had a series of revelations. as usual.
then picked up the timid charmer mr. anthony from his shitty little school. barf. and then we went to Venice Beach! it was absolutely beautifully fun.

there was all these strange people. everybody was so fucking unique, it was strange. there was of course, creepy men. a bunch of homeless people. there was this beautiful hippie little family that was selling jewelry. so much.


we went down to the beach and took off our shoes. sidenote: i shaved my leg only above my boots, last minute. so i had extremely hairy ankles. we played in the water.

i dont know why. it might be because of my magic, witchcraft, religion class or my sudden fear of floods and tsunamis and what not; i suddenly feel more aware of the beach. more of a connection of something. my god, i cant remember the last time i went to the beach before that. eeek.


we played with the sand. i made a whole city with suburbs. and pyramids with irrigation farms on the side. june made a face.
then me and anthony got into this nasty sea water fight. i, of course WON.
and i saw what im starting to think is my power animal. a crow on the beach. crows pop up in random places with me. its really strange.

anthony's hairy legs! whoa, i just got a flashback to 9th grade when i first met anthony and remember noticing then that he had really hairy legs.



and i got my palm read my this little old chinese man. he told me past, presemt, future. it was really freaky how spot the past and present were. he mentioned my job. ugh.
also, late in life i will travel a great deal. something about how i cant stay in the same place for too long. (fuck, aint that the damn truth.)
he also said that i would do good in business. umm... no thanks.but that i will suceed in my work with creativity. but not financially stable until later in life. i'll achieve real success with my art in my 40's.
in the next few months something very good is going to happen. :)
i will have 1 or 2 kids. and i guess i already know the person im going to marry. and that it'll be a marriage that will last forever and grow with age. ummm.......


happy 420...

How my Tears Made love to You

tonight is my last night of smoking. and it is now 5 in the morning and i dont want to go to bed. i want to finish this bowl and have time stop. and im watching god has a voice, she speaks through me. cocorosie really scares me sometimes when i really put together their art. that music video and its meaning take me somewhere else.

my poor hair. its a limp straight smelly fucking mess. its needs a good wash on a warm day...... i so bad want to let it be.
oh the insecurities of a mestizo who looks straight up mulatto.

if i blogged about whats going through my mind right now, i think i'd scare myself. my thoughts are in a strange place of isolation.i am living in fear. and i surrounded by the fears of everyone. basic instincts are kicking in.

fuck! its daylight outside now.




if i was a bird......


and then there is this band.
this past week, the knife has been so appropiate for everything right now.
in absolutely every aspect.
theyre this brother and sister who write about hermaphrodites, wearing masks, pornography, giving head with the lights on is artistic, the brief recollection of a rape..... EXTREMELY DISTURBING. but sooo beautiful.



and my painting... its just fucking sitting there.
its starting to drive me crazy just like the other one.
well, like all of them actually.....

To miss the taste of you in my mouth.
You taught me not to breath.
Its been four years since I sold my soul for your wisdom.
Tonight I'm burning the sheets where we lay.

Avoid touching other's mysteries.
Away the opposite man.
Acting the other, madly.
Ask to open my...


It's time to:

- get a job.
- really lose some sleep.
- stop smoking.
- wash my hair.
- start worrying about things that actually matter.
- save the money I have

The floods are still coming, and I'm losing a dear friend in the meantime.
Until we meet again, sweet Atom.

jobless

i got laid off today.





fuck.

"to cry for hands above to lean on,
wouldnt be good enough for me...."
-the knife

the events of yesterday

the corpse of amanda palmer was performing in some shady east la warehouse secretly.
i went along with 49 other people and it was just beautiful.
i sat on a carpet with her at some point while she played ukulele.
then listened to her get interviewed while she ate a pb&j sandwich. fuck, she is just too cool.

afterwards we visited my beloved sarah song at the mochi store in downtown.
and she fed me all kinds of wondrous mochi ice creams.

then i went to my grandma's for her birthday.
i ate more there.
then got all these crazy stomach pains.
i think i ate too much.
came home, went straight to bed.

woke up at 2 and threw up everything!!!!!
brushed my teeth, drank water and went back to bed.
woke up at 4, threw up all the water!

so i sat in bed, feeling like a lonely little piece of shit.
:(

paint stains on my heart

last night i fell asleep painting.
its been a while.
i really like this one...

"When the spark goes out of you,
it grows ten times bigger in me.
I am your lung..."
-the knife

lets fix this...

i just woke up from a very strange and complex strange dream.

it was very 6 feet under themed. i really dont understand it all.
its kind of funny that i would dream about 6 feet under like that,
and kind of geeky at the same time.
i dont think this will really make sense to anyone but me.... and june.

so.i guess it was a mixture between me being myself and me being nate/ being WITH nate.
and we were at some at some creepy park trying to run from these computer fixing guys who were these like totalitarians and wanted us to fix our laptop (which my laptop really is broken but ive been putting it off for so long).
so in result of that, the usual bad things kept happening to nate. :( so sad.
and then i took some nap.
and then i became nate i guess and the whole time silently i was thinking about brenda.
im guessing this it during the time that they were broken up and he was with lisa. (wait, was i lisa in the dream?! so confused!)
i finally decided that to make the bad things stop happening i would finally fix my laptop.
so i was gonna meet the totalitarian computer-fixers at some underground bar.
i guess i knew the bartender, and he started talking to me about brenda.
how he didnt know why we werent together even though we belonged together, and he kept saying why should people who have that strength of love stay away from each other just because shit is fucked up.
so i guess that made me/nate incredibly tired of the mess he was in.
then the computer guys came in and they started singing some song.
like 'its time to start fixing it! lets fix everything. youve got to fix it. lets fix it.'

FUCKING WEIRD.
maybe i need to fix something?
my laptop perhaps, because it is freaking the fuck out right now.

im lying. i know what this dream really means.....

brenda brought us a HUMONGOUS bag of salad.
and im talking about fucking huge!
ive never seen a bag of salad this big.
thats all ive eaten the past 24 hours. :)


i've grown to realize that the only way to have any real relationship with ANY human being is to just have some fucking truth. if you honestly value something, you stand up for it. you dont bottle feelings. you speak some fucking truth.
how will people learn to understand if we're not heard?
i am honest. and i expect honesty.

"It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults.
So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him,
and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship."

-henry ward beecher

self-realization. if only i could follow through and be honest with you too.

"And all I loved, I loved alone." -Poe

the view from where i'm sitting.
there is some beautiful lighting in my living room at night.

the nightmares continue! no big news. its becoming a habit now.
this time, i panicked at first. but then i just kind of let it happen.
its was terrifying and beautiful and haunting.

to describe it physically,
it feels like some ghost of a past life is clinging onto my body.

perhaps there is some haunting lover from a past life loving me sweetly in my nightmares.

"But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we- 
Of many far wiser than we- 
And neither the angels in heaven above,
 Nor the demons down under the sea, 
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee."

spring break! that means late nights smoking weed.
with little Toulouse running around, jumping up on the fridge or climbing the chimney.
yes, i have a talented little pussy. ;)
you should come over and smoke with me.


p.s. patience, little shadow....
(the new yeah yeah yeahs cd is full of love sick songs. go listen to it. i am.)

i re-read through my blogs from a while back.

im fucking crazy.
i dont know why im like this.
i dont like it.

what lips my lips have kissed

"What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply;
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in the winter stands a lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet know its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone;
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more."

Edna St. Vincent Millay

the witch riding my back

so ive been doing some research about these nightmares.

its called sleep paralysis.
and its been related to narcolepsy and insomnia.
my insomnia is starting to affect a lot.
i have these terrible bags under my eyes.
im constantly getting sick.

it has something to do with the temporal lobe. blah blah blah.
its freaking me out, because they make it sound so simple.
when its actually not. its not just science.
i cant explain it.

i dont know. i'll talk to Novotny about it.

here's a photo of a very beautiful man.



p.s. its so sad, i either dream of you or have terrible nightmares.
what will i do?

radio cure

stephanie-why do you do this to me?what have i done to to you? tell me, what you want me to do?!
stephane-i dont know... maybe touch my hair a little.
stephanie-i cant do that.....why me?!
stephane-because everyone else is boring, because youre different.... you dont like me, stephanie.


my nightmares are getting worse.
at work, i was having one of them. and i started whimpering and couldnt move but my eyes were open.
and it really freaked out my boss.
i dont know what this means. its really scaring me.

everything about today was great.
amd tonight was hilarious.
i love for nights like these.

photos of the handsome, sexy and talented mr. anthony!







dayyyuuuuummmm.................

she's lost control again...

i havent slept in the past 24 hours.
its been surreal and random.

somewhere in all this me and june decided to do some soort of photoshoot and it turned into hundreds of pictures.
I REALLY NEED NEW SUBJECTS....
june is a great model and everything, but i need more!

here's photos.









it cant be.. it cant be.
my mind is playing tricks on me.

:(

give me the words that tell me everything.

with me

now how i remember you...