we are defined by opportunities. even the ones we miss.

such a strange year it was.

and i leave this year with these lyrics,

i know that it’s true, it’s gonna be a good year
out of the darkness and into the fire
i tell you i love you
and my heart’s in the strangest place
that’s how it started, and that’s how it ends

-the walkmen

the beating of christmas trees

We hope that you choke.

My insomnia is at an all-time high. And I have nightmares when I do sleep.
I dream of the kids at daycare getting terribly sick or hurt. I dream of airplanes landing on schools. I dream of ex-lovers. I dream of going back to high school. I dream of my dad. I dream of you.that's the worst of it.

personal documentation, for myself more than you

fuck.fuck.fuck.

just get out!
GET OUT!!!!

The past two weeks I've been trying to distract myself. Its been working, but still when I go to sleep and wake up, the thoughts come.

Its always been a choice for you. It never was for me.

So this year, I'm going to do exactly what I've stopped myself from doing out of truth. I'm going to fall in love. I'm going to fuck.I'm going to sleep. I'm going to let someone else sleep in my bed with me. I'm going to let gooooo...

I don't want to see it anymore. I don't want to see any of it.from the very first day to now.

"There's no telling how long I'll be here. At least I can't see them."
Love, pialé

i am the key to the lock in your house.

and either way you turn, i'll be there
open up your skull, i'll be there
climbing up the walls...

tonight while walking to the club some lesbian chick said
"here comes my future wife walking by."
hahahaha.
lesbians love me.

tiger's eye forgive you not.
silver rings replace the moon.
you will forget what you have sought.
for your mistakes will not unwound.

yes. be afraid of a latina and her brujeria.

just dance, gonna be okay

i feel like me and david are going through this drama.
so we're being partners in crime.
drinking.dancing.eating.
it all we can do....


here's a little video for you:





off to go dancing and drinking...
im sure i'll blog later drunk.

this is it.

two things.

one.
im finally going to say it because i think its final and true.
I'M MOVING OUT.
me and june are moving into a beautiful pool house.
with a huge bedroom. a chimney. a cute little kitchen.
and a beautiful garden to grow herbs and vegetables.
AHHHHH!!!!!! ive been trying to hold it in.
ive been trying to tell myself it isnt going to happen.
but theres nothing stopping us.
yes i will be poor. but i'll be on my own.

two.
im not going to be your mushroom. fed shit and kept in the dark.
never is a promise.
"it burns. it hurts.
i tumble to the earth.
and as i fall i feel myself relax."

i'm so full on tamales and hot chocolate.
surprisingly, it was not that bad this year.

its gonna be a good year...

without you.

4>3

"and i'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
the reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did
it's not something i would recommend, but it is one way to live
cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is"

i got my feet on the ground. and i dont go to sleep to dream.

i bought a hat!


karma!karma!karma!
its at everyone's doorsteps.

p.s. sarah ....one day! i can hear boston calling my name.
we'll meet one fine day.
"all the cities in the world, and so very little time...."

dont come around, ive got my own hell to raise.

I GOT EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED!
think about the bridges you are burning. AND I'M BURNING.
(its what we both wanted)
yesssssssss.......

fiona apple is exactly what i needed.
andrea and david is exactly what i needed.
buying this stupid book is exactly what i needed.
listening to disney tween music is what i needed.
looking at the place is exactly what i needed.

so....i think im going to do it. everyone is kind of being negative about it.
but im fucking determined. its what i need.
but then again. its too good to be true. it could just be good karma coming my way. :)
(i dont want to say the words exactly until i know for sure if its happening.)

p.s. i got really drunk last night. it was an open bar. and the bartender thought i was 21. enough said.
reclaimed my pussy by drinking corona.

fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
fast as you can....

dirty dirty poem< YOU KNOW I DONT NEED YOU.

no matter how much i try and satisfy myself .it doesnt work.
fuck me to fuck you.
someone inappropriate will find this, it being you. or my dad. or SOMEONE.
I DON'T CARE.
now that the truth is just a rule we can just bend.
spend the night with me.
tell me im not worth it>
BECAUSE I AM NOT.

i dont what was wrong with you.
you should have never breathed it.
you have definitely just cursed yourself.


sickness rules my dead passed body, that in the shadows of green trees climaxes on serpent's tongues. this poetry i write is just for your sickness.
none of them could never do it for me.
none of them could never please me.
breathless orgasms of you will never CUM.
you are stolen goods. spells of lovers and herbs.
i could never wish it upon you.
CURSED by my words. i am too good of a person. and she knows that.
that is whhy she made me promise to never love you.
and from now on< size="5">

if i was never created in love,
how can i love?

there are too many questions<
i dont care if it hurts.
i want to hurt,
i want a perfect soul.
i want you to notice when im not around.
I WISH I WAS SPECIAL.
i am not.
youre so fucking special>
i wish i was special.


is it getting easy not too care?
i want to write everyone that i love and tell them every beautiful thing i think of them.
but i cant. its not normal.
its frightening. whey are we so afraid?
2009 is still not here. im begging for happiness before the end.

i know i wont be here to see the end. but im ok with that.

and now the buzz is running off.
and amanda isnt what i wanted or needed and you are not what i wanted or needed.
so i am more alone than before.
more than i expected.
I'M A CREEP. I'M A WEIRDO.


i want to have control.

I WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO.
BUT I'M SO SCARED.

NO ONE CAN GIVE ME THE ANSWER.
AND I THINK THATS THE HARDEST.
because i already know what im about to do.
and what is worse is i already know the outcome.


its a terrifying sight,
because you and i are living the same way.


p.s. you are still in my nightmares.
david said i have trust issues.

is it enough to have some love?

and i am still not getting what i want.
i want to touch the back of your right arm.
and i wish you could remind who i was.
because everyday i'm a little further off.

the show was BEAUTIFUL.
the danger ensemble were a beautiful acting troupe.
met amanda again. did not cry.
she gave me a hug and nuzzled my neck.
i got a shiver down my spine.
neil gaiman is weirdly hot. saw azaria. nearly died. such a sweet and beautiful man.
saw margaret cho try and fuck someone in the ass with a dildo.
fell in love with an androgynous man from australia who was completely hairless.
zoe keating winked at me. and tried to tell me something but couldnt think of the words.



oh and i came across some crime evidence.
theyre a bunch of pictures of some dead woman. :/

here's one of them.

the dead photos of the girl inspired me and june to take dead pictures of ourselves down hollywood. it didnt really work out. we just looked like some passed out bums....... will post some later.


red jasper. rose quartz. tiger eye.
for only you.....

Another dream.
I had a dream there was a huge earthquake but it was in the ocean. So there was these huge waves and everyone had to get on their roofs and try and save themselves.


All this talking.
You'd think I'd have something to say.
:(

Amanda Palmer tonight!
And at such an appropriate time.I can't wait to cry my eyes out and lose my voice.

don't ask. just enjoy.

me and andrea can have ridiculous fun anywhere.
but put us in disneyland, and we're in heaven.

the good that won't come out

another nightmare.
same ole, same ole.
except this time i embarrassed myself by getting drunk and falling down in the streets.

i dont think i can do this.
i have nightmares over my fears.

christmas break is well needed.
and i'll be home alone.
which is what i need. i can't stand christmas.

come back its fine. bring some wine.
leave my mind, forever.

mmm. i'm craving wine.

in dreams, emotions are overwhelming.

i had a dream where things kept going from perfect to regular. regular to perfect.
and i was walking home with all my favorite things in my arms.
my amanda palmer poster that she signed. my h&m pants. love letters from the past. journals. photographs. etc. and i was crossing the street. and when i tried to jump up on the curb, everything i had fell into the sewer gutter. but i was still barely holding on. and i knew that if i tried to grab one thing, i would lose everything. and i kept thinking i could save it. it was like a toilet flushing.....

i have the strangest dreams.




so quiet, they could hear each other's thinking

i wish i could buy back.....

i cant stop blogging. :\ i think cus my thoughts wont stop racing.
about everything. simple things, difficult things.
and plus, i went a little crazy with a 2 liter jarritos bottle of mandarin.
and my body freaked out and i was shaking and wanted to throw up.
and i started getting panicky and thought about diabeeetus.
and enrique kept telling me to stick some sort of pill up my butt. :\
no thanks.

so ive been thinking about the summer. and i kind of want to disappear.
there is couchsurfing. i might go up north. or maybe east.
maybe i can get a month off work. hmmm.
i just need a partner in crime.
you can never really find someone who is just as willing as you.
theyre either too much or too little. does that make sense?

oh man. too many ideas are suddenly popping in my head.
i think its the sugar.
or maybe its just to distract myself......

if youre reading this. you care. and thats all i need for now.
...but youre not. :(
next exit - interpol.

on a radiohead binge....

look into my eyes,
it's the only way you'll know i'm telling the truth.



so knives out......

quick! change the song!!!!!

agh! was looking at some chick from new york's photography and was completely amazed and inspired that i didnt notice that true love waits was on. once i did, in my head i went "arrrggh! quick! change the fucking song.......ah. karma police.much more appropriate."


ok. so i know this is kinda selfish of me.
im going to spend as little on xmas as i can. (since i hate the blasphemous holiday anyway)
and buy a fucking bomb ass camera. im talking about 700 dollars. no joke.
that is if what is supposed to happen doesnt happen.
fuck this. im tired of making excuses that i dont have a camera!
I AM DETERMINED.

blood on the moon

ok. so i dont want to jinx anything. but i think this might be it.

i dont want to go into detail until i find out for sure if its legit. if it is. eeeekkk! im excited!

its really sad how people's misfortunes can be your piece of luck. and vice versa. :(
whoever got luck out of my misfortunes, im happy for you.

fingers crossed, though.

it has brightened up a very confusing/awkward/mean drunk(haha) week.

san francisco is calling me.

there was blood on the moon tonight.
be careful....

so here's to everything, coming down to nothing. here's to silence.

belligerent, following the stars of your eyes.

the stars are not aligned.




i has dreams that brings me sadness.
rain much deeper than a river.
sorrow flow through me.
tiny waves of shivers.




p.s. ima shake you off though.

where are my keys? i lost my phone.

TURN ON THE BRIGHT LIGHTS.

You come here to me, we'll collect those lonely parts and set them down.


One of the kids gave me a stomach virus. Ugggh. That isn't going to stop me tonight though.think circus whore circa 1929 combined with a little lady gaga. Please, no plaid shirts.

Last night I popped my sex shop cherry.some scary ass looking dildos and videos. But cute clothes.I got carded, hahaha.

List of shirts boys could easily seduce you with:
-plaid shirts
-striped shirts
-v-necks
-deep v-necks

Note to self:
Control your poison, babe.

KILL THE LIGHTS!

insomnia and sore throats.

i want my hill and my bay.
and my good old friend, atom.

where do all the lovers meet with one another, in an effort to uncover
what has happened to the silent days?

tick.tick.tick.......BOOM.

im sick as a dog right now.
writing an essay for mod. american history that is due in an hour.
and i want to throw up.

i keep having bad nightmares.
i cant move. i cant stop.



i am counting the hours until i see balloons and streamers, slutty outfits and plaid shirts (you know what im talking about andrea).
and my tummy is filled with vodka and chasers. i am counting the hours until the lights are killed and i cant remember anything that happened that night. i dont care how bad that sounds.

p.s. i am an awful person.
i am full of bad thoughts and insecurities.

i like it soft, i like it wet

i got a roomate offer. :)
well i have two already. but this one is a little bit more legit and realistic.
still not right though. :\

its raining!!!!
i miss it up north, when it rains. :[

i miss climbing the hill out of fucking breath, my chest killing me cus i smoke too many djarums. im going to go into the details of the hill, because i miss it so much. the first time i ever climbed the hill was stoned out of my mind. lets not mention with who...bitch. seriously, i wanted to fucking cry at how beautiful it was. sorry to use this term, but breathtaking. it couldve been the thc. and it was muddy. so muddy i got stuck in it. and i almost peed in my pants dying of laughter.i remember taking sarah up there and she was really drunk, unfortunately i was just bummed that i got my glasses jacked that day. and we talked about interpol, boys, and THAT DAY. seriously, sarah before you said it i already knew because it was apart of me too. we stayed up there for like 4 hours smoking, freezing our asses off looking at the bay, city lights and cemetery. METAPHORICAL, UP THE ASS. sarah peed up there. haha. homegirl was drunk as hell that night. i was weirdly sober. i remember going up there a lot during the sunsets and thinking about home. i remember going up there with caro and ivan. like one in the morning. and we saw this freakish thing in the grass. (the grass was fucking long since it was spring.) and we freaked out and ivan had to drag caro up there while me and sarah were dying of laughter. there was this period where me shauny and sarah were trying to lose weight so we were dieting and exercising. and we decided to run up the hill one night. and we almost died of heart attacks.and the pictures we used to take up there .that one time the fire alarm went off so we said fuck it and tried to look for the eclipse. it was too cloudy. going up there with the boys to get to the creepy walrus experiment place. smoking up there with random people from the 4th floor, while a cop was down the hill watching us. finding a blunt up there. burying that scary ass ouija board. thinking about people.

that guy from santa barbara keeps calling me..... sorry. i dont know whats wrong with me.


all this business is wearing me down.
bleggggh. i need a drink.

im your biggest fan. i'll follow you until you love, pa-pa pa-parazzi!

Last night was hilarious.
Andrea drove off the road on the freeway on accident.
(I've decided that in my blog, anytime interesting happens in andrea's driving, I'm documenting it.)
Also we spent a long portion of the night being bored and driving around. Then good stuff happened, andrea got very srs bsns, I freaked out. Dropped her ipod under my seat, tried looking for it while shit was going down. And then the most awesome thing happened!!!!!!
I found my eygptian musk oil!!!! The one that I bought at the lotus festival. And lost on that very scary full moon. I was dying looking for it.

Today's my sister's birthday.
She was born on thanksgiving day.She turns three today. I bought her a big ass dog teddy bear. :)

P.s. I have a serious shopping problem.

im so fucking pissed. here i am. putting pictures up on my walls. and i keep smelling dirty diapers.
and i find my pants from yesterday and they are the main source.
i know one of those little shitheads wiped their poop on my pants.
now its all over my fucking carpet and here i am. two in the morning spraying anything i can get my hands on to neutralize the germs and odors.
...sdfkjs;dlkfjasdklfjasl;dkfj!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

besides that, ive been having these really vivid dreams.
like last night, i had this dream that i was with someone (i forgot who) and we we at this rocky cliff and they told me to jump into the ocean. and then this huge whale appeared and swallowed me whole. but then i had to do these weird flotation moves. and it would make the whale flip inside out but it kept happening. where i had to keep being swallowed by the whale and then i would do the floating dancing moves in its stomach and then it would magically fold inside out but like paper.
and then i had this dream at work, that i was driving with a bunch of people, i cant really remember who but they were people close to me and people from irvine. including AHEM. you know who andrea.(barf). and i was wearing a skirt with no underwear.(weird.yes) and andrea was driving. and i noticed that i didnt have underwear on so i announced it. and then everybody was like what the fuck? and andrea was like "psh! who hasnt NOT worn underwear in a car before?" hahah. weirdest fucking dream ever.

oh and by the way.
enough.now.unamed.junior.
i used to respect you so much. same level of thoughts and everything.
now ive realized youre just a fucking idiot.
YOU ARE NOT A BEAUTIFUL AND UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE.
im glad i moved up north. im glad we both changed.

a lot of scary things happened today.

1. saw that creepy guy again at a very different time, and this time he did not get off another bus but came from my side of the street....with a bike. :|
2. at work, i was talking to my boss and then she stopped in mid-sentence looking out the window. there was some teenager standing in the middle of the street staring at me through the window.

i dont know whats wrong with me.

oh....i am now officially looking for a roomate.
i need to move out and am being hinted to move out. im kind of going crazy.
reasons why i need to move out:
1. im going a little crazy
2. i need to fall back into my ways: painting, smoking weed, reading, just plain making cute useless things to decorate my surroundings. living here kind of puts that on hold
3. i dont want to be 23 and still live at home.
4. ever since i came to live back home, it doesnt feel like home
5. downey is a shit-hole full of losers and yes on 8 signs.
6. i would like to live with someone who would smoke with me, listen to music with me and wouldnt mind my herbs, oils and incense. ( sarah was this person for a while. but every time she smoked she would always blow chunks....literally.)
7. i have no space for my things. (bookcases FULL of books. records, a lot. record player. glass bottles with dried flowers stuck in them. a trunk. a lot of artwork. useless stuff i dont need, typewriter, suitcases, guitar, board games??trophies? clothes......)

no one is right...... story of my life!!!!


oh. one more thing. i think my friends are starting to not like me.
and im talking about several groups of friends. (my groups of friends are severely separated, and with reason. none of them would really work out.)
nobody calls anymore.
im tired of being the one to say let's hang out.
(this does not apply to david and andrea) <3 those bitches always want to hang out.

hopeless romantic

Ugh. That fucking creep from the bus who freaked out on me and then spit at me was on the bus again. This time he had no balls.maybe it was my purple pants...or my afro.

Last night I saw zack and miri make a porno. Two things.
1. Fucking hilarious!
2. Fucking romantic!
I highly reccomend.

Philosophy today. Sigh. My teacher makes me melt.

Andrea and I had a discussion over seth rogen and russel brand. She would rather have sex with russel brand then seth rogen. I HIGHLY disagree. Then she called me a chubby-chaser. >:|
Sorry that I'm not shallow and fall in love with every beautiful person.

tie my right hand to the bible

i had a dream last night.
it was the future and the end was here.
and you had children, and i still thought i loved you.
when will i ever learn?

fuck komodo dragons taking over the world.
but hai to sexy princes from antarctica saving the world.


my wisdom tooth keeps giving me really bad nightmares.
the skin is breaking..... finally.
im so tired. another crazy night......


im so bored with everything. im just ready for the next mistake i make.

im drunk on pain right now. :/
fuck wisdom teeth.

i havent posted in a while. its kind of been a crazy weekend.
well. i guess i should start at the beginning
and im not going to go into too much detail of some of the things that happened.
better left unsaid.

friday.
me and david were really bored and decided we were going to go on sunset and go look for hot guys. hahah, yes. that is what we do. then i got this crazy idea where i was like "hey, we should go back to the hood and show each other where we used to live back in the day." so david was down, and we went down firestone back to huntington park. and all these memories came flashing back. salt lake city park. st mathias. miles elementary, gage bowl. my nina and nino's house. HIS house. the twins house. we even drove by my grandparent's house which was very creepy of us because they do still live there. :| i dont know why we did it. and we ended up getting really depressed. i dont know. i had this weird epiphany that i thought those days were never going to end. i loved that routine. things were simple. and here i am a completely different person. i became who i wanted to be, and still very unsatisfied.
well when we saw gage bowl we were like hey lets go bowling there. but i didnt have socks so then we had to go all the way back home. then david told me something verrrrrrrry upsetting. not the subject just that he hadnt told me earlier. then he told me it was a lie. i dont believe him.
got socks. then went bowling in downey. we spent 44 dollars on cosmic bowling.... we were in the moment.
i really suck. ill have moments where i'm freaking awesome and then some where theyll go straight to the gutter. they played a lot of doors. and all the lights made me want to smoke.

saturday.
woke up soooooo sore. and tired. had to go to this child care safety class in order to get certified.
went to the movies with david. (it was a david filled weekend) he fell asleep so i stole his glasses and saw the movie crisp and clear. watched umm.....ghost town, good movie. well written.
my wisdom tooth is growing in...... and cutting into my flesh.
now i know why babies cant stop crying when theyre teething.

sunday.
had cpr in the morning.im now certified and protected by good samaritan law to save a life. which btw, do you know that in order to do cpr you have to remove all upper clothing. including bras.on the person you are performing cpr. awkward!
we decided to go somewhere. and of course, things happened.
i almost had a heart attack. it always does when david comes home. what a lucky charm. <3 got into a fight with david... it happens. got this crazy idea to go get THE poster at wal-mart. had a rat race through wal-mart. david pulled my beret off exposing my messy hair. andrea dropped and cracked her phone. in the end.... there was no poster. all i had was chest pain and sexual frustration for a rolling stone cover.

monday.
cleaned my room. burned sage and incense. clear out all bad energy. decided to pull an ultimate misson of bowling and stuff. and milkshakes. lost at bowling. saw a papa j look-a-like. seriously wouldve gone to a bathroom and tapped that. dont ask. andrea said he looked nothing like him...whatever! stuff kinda happened. nothing too big. saw a certain photographer. how i would kill for his job! fuck little trees that people put in front of their house. andrea crashed her car. hahahaha.

today.
had a really weird nightmare. i was at some party. and the usual happened where i cant control myself. except this time was too much. and that same feeling came back. maybe its my tooth giving me the bad nightmares.

heres some pictures.

my mom painted the bathroom this pretty color:

we were trying to pretend to sleep....it didnt really work out.

this is hilarious.

i caught her drinking out of the toilet bowl.

ive been really itchy today. and so was my boss. we're thinking its those coffee drinks we got from mcdonalds. :\
today at work, i had to lay down with one of the little girls cus she wouldnt go to sleep so i asked her if she wanted me to sing, so i sang true love waits by of course radiohead. and she fell asleep. :]
that is why i love my job.

so ive been doing a lot more reading on my wiccan stuff. i've found this nifty little shop in the LBC and this cool black chick runs it and calls me her little witchling. :D and ive bought some incense and protection soap and Egyptian musk oil(anyone whos knows me knows thats my scent) and ive bought a book on herbs and am starting to figure out what certain herbs do and what not. theres this one herb called aconite, and a grain of the root could kill a bird within seconds. and if you touched this plant, your skin would burn throughout the day. its crazy how all these herbs can do so much for us. good and bad. and somehow theyre manipulated and squeezed into tiny little pills to make us feel better.when you can actually make oils, teas and ointments or just plain smoke them.
i'll stick to my little hippie herbs. thank you very much.
being an herbalist is actually illegal.

anyway. off with david!!!

i dont know if this is just one of my moments of paranoia .
but i have a very bad feeling about the coming years.
obama is the best and worst thing that could happen at the moment.




i dont know.
im just getting really bad vibes at the moment.

HISTORY.


i cant wait to tell my grandkids.

Intense shit waiting to see results. They could pull a florida on us and tell us they need to recount votes and then there you go, mccain is our president.
And then there's the props.
Ugh.. Nerve racking.

fuck! i wrote this long ass blog about the whole weekend.

i wrote it on the greyhound buzzed, looking out at the ocean. beautiful ass coastline.


maybe i'll go into detail later.....doubt it.
all i can say is craziest weekend of my life.....ever. and i mean that sincerely.

already voted. although shit is getting crazy. when i got back, we decided to go to olvera st. we forgot it was dia de los muertos. we get there, and theres all these crazy conservatives with their yellow ass yes on prop 8 signs. and there was a bunch of hispanic people yelling back at them. it was intense. i was about to join in but my mom got really serious and told me not to.
i was fine with that, since in santa barbara i had already gotten into plenty of fights with white conservative college students about prop 8.

amtrak to santa barbara

Ok. I'm documenting all this crazy shit. So first of all, I thought that me getting off of work at 5 would be fine. That way I could go home really quick, pack(which btw, I did under 5 minutes) and then leave. I soon realized on the metro that that was not going to be the case. I was freaking out and shit. Oh all the while. I'm wearing the pants from santa barbara, you know the ones where the button pops off(I thought it was only necessary)well about a week ago, I finally lost the button for good. Its somewhere under the stove at the daycare I work at. Anyway so here I am speedwalking with my pants falling down, thank god I'm wearing a tunic.so I finally get into the crowd of moving people who are walking torwards and I see this cool ass bum looking chick who had this wiccan sign on her back :) .and talk with her for a bit.then I get to the platform abd see nothing but college students. This one white dude stood out cus he was smoking a djarum and wearing a poncho. Haha. So after the cloud of smoke I get into the train onto the second floor. This place is full of a bunch young adults and hippies heading torwards santa barbara.and if you pay attention carefully you can hear some sneaking around of alcohol.I am in for a terribly exciting weekend. ill continue blogging!

i can't remember but its alright

this hot tranny mess video is the only thing keeping me sane.
i don't know why.....

oh yes. the mood swings keep on coming.

bottom of the world.

i'm sad and i don't know why....


last night was craziness. but i really need to learn how to control myself.
i woke up freezing with caution tape wrapped around me like a belt. one of my plugs were missing so i freaked out.i had highlighter everywhere on my body. someone wrote slut on my thigh. >:l
oh and i guess i clogged a toilet. no flushing tampon applicators!

then when we were driving home and i was caught up in my thoughts of everything.
all i wanted to do was put on my headphones and listen to radiohead.

went to halloween party tonight. left early.
now i'm here.
depressed and lonely in a bee costume.

i mean it

don't get any big ideas, they're not gonna happen

i want to mean that so badly.

ditched and went to MOCA. and while i was walking to catch the bus this guy was walking the opposite way and was yelling gross shit and blowing kisses. i ignored him and i guess that made him really angry cus then he started screaming and yelling at me. then he caught the bus with me, and sat right in front of me and stared the whole time. and then he spat at me. not one drop of saliva hit me.

wiccans believe whatever harm you do unto someone comes back three times stronger.
he'll get whats coming to him.

OH MY GOD!!!!!

i just read an article saying that over this winter theyre going to repair the large hadron collider. so you know what that means??????

the world isnt ending until spring!!!!!!
HOORAY!!!!

on that note, i was worried that we wouldnt live to see Halloween.
and then i wouldnt get to wear my cute costume.

which is:not very good picture. but you get the idea. the little head thing is adorable.
it's for environmental reasons. if we don't start making more drastic changes in our environment. the bees will go instinct and then we'll die off! i read a statistic that in the next 4 years all the honey bees will be extinct. COLONY COLLAPSE DISORDER.

oh last night, i went to a friends party at ucla for like 2 seconds. cus andrea was running late as hale! so anywat we get there. everyone is already drunk. and then her freaking RA came asking for id and trying to write people up. and all that time i was hiding in a freaking hot ass toilet room for like 20 minutes....sober. it was upsetting. then i walked down the rape trail with friends of friends trying to look for a party. got blisters. saw a dead white mouse.and saw a comet. and this group of white people were walking by and this drunk chick was like, "WHOA! did you guys just see that? a shooting star!" and they were all like, "psh! no." and i was like, "i did, girl. that shit was hella tight!"..... we shared a moment. 10 minutes later, carlos was like did you make a wish on it? and i was like dammit! so i did then.

and i need to go back to SF. like this one chick said yesterday, everybody is so MTV culture. especially here in LA. and then i had some conversation with some other guy on how SF everyone is so much friendlier. and no ones trying.
LA is ignorant.
sorry for the negative note, i just had to point that out. it was screaming in my head the whole night.

this is me, excited to be a hot tranny mess in santa barbara in this outfit.
and also excited that the world isnt ending!

painted my nails.


had a very long day. filled with creepy men on the metro asking me about:
-my septum ring
-if the scarf i was knitting was for sale
-how old i was

then i met this very cool old man, who told me his mom used to make outfits for cher.
and that he was armenian and lived in the soviet union. and all this crazy stuff.
and it all started by telling me that he was once a mechanic for the host of Ripley's Believe It or Not. then he gave me his card. im seriously going to call him when i buy a used car.

10 days till the world possibly ends......

please, sweden. be careful!!!

i'm most likely going to end up like carrie bradshaw and have an awesome wardrobe but no savings. :(

new bag.
new necklace.
new shirt.


and i barely got this job.

so effing tired.


all of a sudden i feel like i am constantly keeping busy. for example.
this is my schedule this week....

monday-school ALL FUCKING DAY. 11-9
tuesday-first day of work (hella smelly diapers but cute kids)
wednesday-school, cut copy @ carson daly and perhaps, Club Moscow
thursday-fucking homework, get piercing changed,go lurking if david comes home.
friday- work. hella early. fucking 8-5 but then i get paid, and then SRS BSNS up in the TL!!!
saturday-sleepover in the hood!
sunday- homework,homework,homework....

the most depressing song on the planet.

if i ever try and kill myself, it will be to this song.

can't you feel the knife?

i just felt the quick need to blog.

went to postsecret on tuesday with sarah. it was sooooo good. i almost broke into tears like 5 times. and i was counting. i saw a bunch of people crying. frank warren is a really great and humble man. his main cause is helping the suicide hotline. he pointed out this weird fact that about 150 people in the room (there was like 500 at least.) he pointed out that at least 150 people in the room had attempted suicide and that they could be sitting right next to you and you wouldnt even know it.

this is my favorite one, he showed it too. :)

have'nt gone lurking, i think ive kicked the habit but it doesnt mean i wouldnt start up again.
and oh, i'm going to.

oh. and i think i have a problem with addictions. or maybe some sort of compulsiveness about me. like i have to finish things. An example, its 4 in the morning and i effing stayed up playing solitaire because i HAD to win. or else i wouldnt feel right. or lets say i drop something... it will bug me to insanity. or when i go to bed, i have to do certain things with my mind. like think about the end of the world, or do this weird shrinking things that i've done since i was little.
ugh......

"i'm fucked up." - cassie

i'm fucking bored shitless right now.


my room is getting better and better!!!
now i have a desk and im getting some sort of shelf tommorrow.
like this:

except like hella smaller.
its like 3 by 3.














so the world might possibly end in a month.
and that might be a bit problematic since:

1. i have never had a job
2. ive never been in a real relationship (more like things where it wasnt called a relationship but it was some hella awkward shit where everyone knew something was going on, serious business... you get the idea)
3. i've never given birth, which i would like to see a pregnant me. just to see if i'd have that whole cute glowing thing pregnant women have (id most likely get really wide and fat looking :\
4.i've never fallen in love :( (not really sure about this one)
5. i want to see if when im an old ass lady, if i look like my grandma because her mestizo heritage is all up in her looks and i want to look hella aztec when im older too!!!
6. i'd never have my own place

oh, i donno. ive done A LOT of things. but theres still so much more left.

i still need to blog about an embarrassing incident of JOBRO's filled weekend.
oh, its fucking horrendous and fantastic.
i'll just come out and say it.

my guilty pleasure is cute boys with purity rings who play really bad music.

pre-blog......

I WILL NOT GET FUCKED UP TONIGHT!



let you know what happens.

ugh. monday night was supposed to be about gossip girl.
but then it turned into a drinking game which was 'take a shot every time someone kisses'
and honey,.... there was a lot of kissing and then it turned into 'fuck it! lets just drink more!' so i kept drinking with these strangers (andrea's friends.) next thing i know, we're at my house and i guess i forgot my keys in irvine?

so we had to drive back, SORRY ANDREA!!!
and i ask her why i have stains on my shirt and i guess we went to taco bell.
and i ask her why it smells like vomit and i guess i threw up...twice.
and i guess to keep me awake we were blasting jonas brothers and i knew the lyrics.
i was all into that shit supposedly.

ugh. well all i know is that i woke up feeling so fucking sick. so i ate some carrots and then drank some water. and then went to the bathroom and threw up out of my mouth and nose. (thats the only thing im proud of about this event.)

NEVER AGAIN. i said that about santa barbara.

and now im wondering....

im feeling terribly anxious at the moment.
i dont know what it is.
its not like my usual 'oh woe is me' type of anxious moment.
its more like i shouldnt be here.i need to be in san francisco, feeling lonely and riding the shady ass BART.

i got a new bed today! its this mezzanine, its not the best but its good enough for now and i got it for like 70 $ with the mattress. not a bad deal!
now all i need is a desk and im fucking set, thats all i'll need for when i finally move out into a studio apartment.
oh i am so fucking determined. i just need a job first!!! i need to get my septum ring changed to. (in case i dont remember what im talking about. or if anyone is reading this randomly.) right now i have in an actual ring with a ball. i forgot what its called, not important. but in order to turn it up, i need a freaking horseshoe. fuckity fuck!

i've been doing reading up the ass it's ridiculous. for the past 4 days i have been reading for my american history class. and i have philosophy, astronomy and film also to read for. my, my. it seems like i wasnt doing this much reading back when i was going to cal state east bay.


p.s. video of the wonderful ben folds singing the song that Amanda Palmer lip-synced to at her FIRST SOLO CONCERT EVER!

tell me i'm wrong..... tell me things have changed

school ends for me in about ........9 days?


i'm waiting patiently and there are already boxes in my room patiently waiting to be packed into the car. i can't fucking wait to get in my mom's car, take off my shoes and pass the fuck out.



oh!!!! one thing i must write about in here is i went to the dresden dolls concert about .... a week ago? it was absolutely beautiful and surreal....sigh.the filmore is beautiful! she played all the perfect songs. boston, pierre, the gardener, war pigs, missed me, the list goes on and on. well, the actual setlist goes like this:

In the Flesh

Girl Anachronism

Night Reconnaissance

Mrs. O.

Missed Me

Ultima Esperanza

Lonesome Organist Rapes Page Turner

Coin-Operated Boy

Moon over Marin? with East Bay Ray (guitarist of Dead Kennedys)

Guitar Hero with Ray

The Gardener

The Astronaut with Zoë Keating

Fight for Your Right with Ray, Zoë, and Meredith Yayanos

Pierre

Boston with Meredith

First Encore:

Half-Jack with Zoë

War Pigs

Second Encore:

One of Us Cannot Be Wrong

here are also some lovely photos by sarah song!

me, freaking out over the dolls.

i took this one :]

i was soooo in love during this part.

what i would do for amanda.... sigh

GREATEST ROCK BAND EVER!!!!

i'm going insane.