we are defined by opportunities. even the ones we miss.

such a strange year it was.

and i leave this year with these lyrics,

i know that it’s true, it’s gonna be a good year
out of the darkness and into the fire
i tell you i love you
and my heart’s in the strangest place
that’s how it started, and that’s how it ends

-the walkmen

the beating of christmas trees

We hope that you choke.

My insomnia is at an all-time high. And I have nightmares when I do sleep.
I dream of the kids at daycare getting terribly sick or hurt. I dream of airplanes landing on schools. I dream of ex-lovers. I dream of going back to high school. I dream of my dad. I dream of you.that's the worst of it.

personal documentation, for myself more than you

fuck.fuck.fuck.

just get out!
GET OUT!!!!

The past two weeks I've been trying to distract myself. Its been working, but still when I go to sleep and wake up, the thoughts come.

Its always been a choice for you. It never was for me.

So this year, I'm going to do exactly what I've stopped myself from doing out of truth. I'm going to fall in love. I'm going to fuck.I'm going to sleep. I'm going to let someone else sleep in my bed with me. I'm going to let gooooo...

I don't want to see it anymore. I don't want to see any of it.from the very first day to now.

"There's no telling how long I'll be here. At least I can't see them."
Love, pialé

i am the key to the lock in your house.

and either way you turn, i'll be there
open up your skull, i'll be there
climbing up the walls...

tonight while walking to the club some lesbian chick said
"here comes my future wife walking by."
hahahaha.
lesbians love me.

tiger's eye forgive you not.
silver rings replace the moon.
you will forget what you have sought.
for your mistakes will not unwound.

yes. be afraid of a latina and her brujeria.

just dance, gonna be okay

i feel like me and david are going through this drama.
so we're being partners in crime.
drinking.dancing.eating.
it all we can do....


here's a little video for you:





off to go dancing and drinking...
im sure i'll blog later drunk.

this is it.

two things.

one.
im finally going to say it because i think its final and true.
I'M MOVING OUT.
me and june are moving into a beautiful pool house.
with a huge bedroom. a chimney. a cute little kitchen.
and a beautiful garden to grow herbs and vegetables.
AHHHHH!!!!!! ive been trying to hold it in.
ive been trying to tell myself it isnt going to happen.
but theres nothing stopping us.
yes i will be poor. but i'll be on my own.

two.
im not going to be your mushroom. fed shit and kept in the dark.
never is a promise.
"it burns. it hurts.
i tumble to the earth.
and as i fall i feel myself relax."

i'm so full on tamales and hot chocolate.
surprisingly, it was not that bad this year.

its gonna be a good year...

without you.

4>3

"and i'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
the reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did
it's not something i would recommend, but it is one way to live
cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is"

i got my feet on the ground. and i dont go to sleep to dream.

i bought a hat!


karma!karma!karma!
its at everyone's doorsteps.

p.s. sarah ....one day! i can hear boston calling my name.
we'll meet one fine day.
"all the cities in the world, and so very little time...."

dont come around, ive got my own hell to raise.

I GOT EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED!
think about the bridges you are burning. AND I'M BURNING.
(its what we both wanted)
yesssssssss.......

fiona apple is exactly what i needed.
andrea and david is exactly what i needed.
buying this stupid book is exactly what i needed.
listening to disney tween music is what i needed.
looking at the place is exactly what i needed.

so....i think im going to do it. everyone is kind of being negative about it.
but im fucking determined. its what i need.
but then again. its too good to be true. it could just be good karma coming my way. :)
(i dont want to say the words exactly until i know for sure if its happening.)

p.s. i got really drunk last night. it was an open bar. and the bartender thought i was 21. enough said.
reclaimed my pussy by drinking corona.

fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
fast as you can....

dirty dirty poem< YOU KNOW I DONT NEED YOU.

no matter how much i try and satisfy myself .it doesnt work.
fuck me to fuck you.
someone inappropriate will find this, it being you. or my dad. or SOMEONE.
I DON'T CARE.
now that the truth is just a rule we can just bend.
spend the night with me.
tell me im not worth it>
BECAUSE I AM NOT.

i dont what was wrong with you.
you should have never breathed it.
you have definitely just cursed yourself.


sickness rules my dead passed body, that in the shadows of green trees climaxes on serpent's tongues. this poetry i write is just for your sickness.
none of them could never do it for me.
none of them could never please me.
breathless orgasms of you will never CUM.
you are stolen goods. spells of lovers and herbs.
i could never wish it upon you.
CURSED by my words. i am too good of a person. and she knows that.
that is whhy she made me promise to never love you.
and from now on< size="5">

if i was never created in love,
how can i love?

there are too many questions<
i dont care if it hurts.
i want to hurt,
i want a perfect soul.
i want you to notice when im not around.
I WISH I WAS SPECIAL.
i am not.
youre so fucking special>
i wish i was special.


is it getting easy not too care?
i want to write everyone that i love and tell them every beautiful thing i think of them.
but i cant. its not normal.
its frightening. whey are we so afraid?
2009 is still not here. im begging for happiness before the end.

i know i wont be here to see the end. but im ok with that.

and now the buzz is running off.
and amanda isnt what i wanted or needed and you are not what i wanted or needed.
so i am more alone than before.
more than i expected.
I'M A CREEP. I'M A WEIRDO.


i want to have control.

I WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO.
BUT I'M SO SCARED.

NO ONE CAN GIVE ME THE ANSWER.
AND I THINK THATS THE HARDEST.
because i already know what im about to do.
and what is worse is i already know the outcome.


its a terrifying sight,
because you and i are living the same way.


p.s. you are still in my nightmares.
david said i have trust issues.

is it enough to have some love?

and i am still not getting what i want.
i want to touch the back of your right arm.
and i wish you could remind who i was.
because everyday i'm a little further off.

the show was BEAUTIFUL.
the danger ensemble were a beautiful acting troupe.
met amanda again. did not cry.
she gave me a hug and nuzzled my neck.
i got a shiver down my spine.
neil gaiman is weirdly hot. saw azaria. nearly died. such a sweet and beautiful man.
saw margaret cho try and fuck someone in the ass with a dildo.
fell in love with an androgynous man from australia who was completely hairless.
zoe keating winked at me. and tried to tell me something but couldnt think of the words.



oh and i came across some crime evidence.
theyre a bunch of pictures of some dead woman. :/

here's one of them.

the dead photos of the girl inspired me and june to take dead pictures of ourselves down hollywood. it didnt really work out. we just looked like some passed out bums....... will post some later.


red jasper. rose quartz. tiger eye.
for only you.....

Another dream.
I had a dream there was a huge earthquake but it was in the ocean. So there was these huge waves and everyone had to get on their roofs and try and save themselves.


All this talking.
You'd think I'd have something to say.
:(

Amanda Palmer tonight!
And at such an appropriate time.I can't wait to cry my eyes out and lose my voice.

don't ask. just enjoy.

me and andrea can have ridiculous fun anywhere.
but put us in disneyland, and we're in heaven.

the good that won't come out

another nightmare.
same ole, same ole.
except this time i embarrassed myself by getting drunk and falling down in the streets.

i dont think i can do this.
i have nightmares over my fears.

christmas break is well needed.
and i'll be home alone.
which is what i need. i can't stand christmas.

come back its fine. bring some wine.
leave my mind, forever.

mmm. i'm craving wine.

in dreams, emotions are overwhelming.

i had a dream where things kept going from perfect to regular. regular to perfect.
and i was walking home with all my favorite things in my arms.
my amanda palmer poster that she signed. my h&m pants. love letters from the past. journals. photographs. etc. and i was crossing the street. and when i tried to jump up on the curb, everything i had fell into the sewer gutter. but i was still barely holding on. and i knew that if i tried to grab one thing, i would lose everything. and i kept thinking i could save it. it was like a toilet flushing.....

i have the strangest dreams.




so quiet, they could hear each other's thinking

i wish i could buy back.....

i cant stop blogging. :\ i think cus my thoughts wont stop racing.
about everything. simple things, difficult things.
and plus, i went a little crazy with a 2 liter jarritos bottle of mandarin.
and my body freaked out and i was shaking and wanted to throw up.
and i started getting panicky and thought about diabeeetus.
and enrique kept telling me to stick some sort of pill up my butt. :\
no thanks.

so ive been thinking about the summer. and i kind of want to disappear.
there is couchsurfing. i might go up north. or maybe east.
maybe i can get a month off work. hmmm.
i just need a partner in crime.
you can never really find someone who is just as willing as you.
theyre either too much or too little. does that make sense?

oh man. too many ideas are suddenly popping in my head.
i think its the sugar.
or maybe its just to distract myself......

if youre reading this. you care. and thats all i need for now.
...but youre not. :(
next exit - interpol.

on a radiohead binge....

look into my eyes,
it's the only way you'll know i'm telling the truth.



so knives out......

quick! change the song!!!!!

agh! was looking at some chick from new york's photography and was completely amazed and inspired that i didnt notice that true love waits was on. once i did, in my head i went "arrrggh! quick! change the fucking song.......ah. karma police.much more appropriate."


ok. so i know this is kinda selfish of me.
im going to spend as little on xmas as i can. (since i hate the blasphemous holiday anyway)
and buy a fucking bomb ass camera. im talking about 700 dollars. no joke.
that is if what is supposed to happen doesnt happen.
fuck this. im tired of making excuses that i dont have a camera!
I AM DETERMINED.

blood on the moon

ok. so i dont want to jinx anything. but i think this might be it.

i dont want to go into detail until i find out for sure if its legit. if it is. eeeekkk! im excited!

its really sad how people's misfortunes can be your piece of luck. and vice versa. :(
whoever got luck out of my misfortunes, im happy for you.

fingers crossed, though.

it has brightened up a very confusing/awkward/mean drunk(haha) week.

san francisco is calling me.

there was blood on the moon tonight.
be careful....

so here's to everything, coming down to nothing. here's to silence.

belligerent, following the stars of your eyes.

the stars are not aligned.




i has dreams that brings me sadness.
rain much deeper than a river.
sorrow flow through me.
tiny waves of shivers.




p.s. ima shake you off though.

where are my keys? i lost my phone.

TURN ON THE BRIGHT LIGHTS.

You come here to me, we'll collect those lonely parts and set them down.


One of the kids gave me a stomach virus. Ugggh. That isn't going to stop me tonight though.think circus whore circa 1929 combined with a little lady gaga. Please, no plaid shirts.

Last night I popped my sex shop cherry.some scary ass looking dildos and videos. But cute clothes.I got carded, hahaha.

List of shirts boys could easily seduce you with:
-plaid shirts
-striped shirts
-v-necks
-deep v-necks

Note to self:
Control your poison, babe.

KILL THE LIGHTS!

insomnia and sore throats.

i want my hill and my bay.
and my good old friend, atom.

where do all the lovers meet with one another, in an effort to uncover
what has happened to the silent days?

tick.tick.tick.......BOOM.

im sick as a dog right now.
writing an essay for mod. american history that is due in an hour.
and i want to throw up.

i keep having bad nightmares.
i cant move. i cant stop.



i am counting the hours until i see balloons and streamers, slutty outfits and plaid shirts (you know what im talking about andrea).
and my tummy is filled with vodka and chasers. i am counting the hours until the lights are killed and i cant remember anything that happened that night. i dont care how bad that sounds.

p.s. i am an awful person.
i am full of bad thoughts and insecurities.