i just need my number and location

I feel like I've just won some war. I don't know what the war is. Whether it being with myself, with someone else, with life in general.
I looked out the windows past what I was staring at.
And the clouds were so milky against the blue sky. I suddenly felt so relieved. Like as if something had finally ended and it was now that peacefulness and recovery after a war. And I guess since its been raining, all the nasty shit was blown off to make the ozone hole swell with pregnancy. I was left with the clearest day in a long time.

I'm painting!!!! Yes! I haven't painted for MONTHS.the last thing I painted was the virgin mary. And that wasn't even because I was trying to make something.I was most likely really stoned, it was probably 4 in the morning and sarah was there on her laptop eating hot fries.or leftover panda express. :)
Anyway, I'm painting and its a self-portrait. I've never really painted one. :/
But I have a really good feeling. all the names of my paintings are either lyrics, made-up quotes, or in spanish.




By the way, its called.
'I once fell in love with you just because the sky turned from gray into blue.'
Yes. Cocorosie's good friday...
Lately I've been falling in love with any new person in my life. Its become some sort of program. But its so beautiful at the same time. So many emotions had spurted out of it.
I smell sunlight.

i am a man still learning how to fall

I'm working with 3 and a half hours of sleep.an empty stomach. Cut up fingers from my typewriter and paint on my dress and fingers.

Our invitations are ADORABLE. Seriously...

Oh! I forgot.
So... I finally smoked again. And holding atom once more was a beautiful experience. I wouldn't give it up for the world. No other could replace it.I don't care if I inhale ash and its all on my tongue and teeth. It was made at a very special time of life. with another person who was exactly beside me in every thought of beauty. I don't think I've found anyone else to soul smoke with except brenda.
Its been 2 years...

Anyway. Smoking made me realize how MUCH I have changed in the past 5 months. If you found me two weeks ago, I would not be the same girl. If you found me two months ago, I would not be the same girl.

P.s.Don't you dare come back and ruin my plans.

give me your hands and we'll never die

ive been having the strangest dreams.

and they all have to do with alcohol or weed.
i had this one dream in which i finally smoked weed. (and its been a while. i just counted and its been over 5 months. :/ how did this happen?!) and in the dream, i was extremely high. it was the feeling of being drunk and you cant control yourself. but at the same time i was tripping out. it was the strangest feeling. but it felt sooo good to be high again. ive forgotten that feeling. i lived for that feeling. anyways in the dream, i was talking to my mom and i was trying to act normal. (like how i did every day senior year. :/ )and i felt like i was living that double life again. so i decided that i needed to hitchhike. and the sober side of me was trying to tell me not to, but the high me knew i HAD to. so i stuck my thumb out. but nobody would pick me up. as if they knew i was ready or something. i dont know. strange.

i had this other dream in which i was in santa barbara. (yes, infamous santa barbara) and it was weird. it was like 2 segments of the dream. the 1 being how i thought the night went, and the 2 how the night really went.
the first was i was with brenda, june, and anthony. and im guessing it was halloween because i was in that infamous bee costume. and we walked to a bar, and there was all these artists. and the bartender was giving me a bunch of drinks.white russians.margaritas. shots of tequila.
then somehow i lost my friends. and i ended going around kissing random boys (very much like that infamous night) except this time i was alone. then i kept walking and this girl in a wheelchair was wheeling beside me. and this tiger was on the loose and started chasing us. when i finally got to the apartment, these cops confronted me. then i finally got inside and met this guy who was june's friend. he was dressed as dracula and was named moby. he played me some film on some little girl who killed her parents. and we were talking through some crazy subtext.
then i woke up, told june and brenda what happened. and they completely disagreed.
they told me what happened and none of it was what i had thought. except for moby.
oh and i was arrested.

the strangest dreams.

times are a-changing

so saturday night we had somewhat of a dinner party.
and i love my friends for being them.



by the end of the night i had burned a hole into my tights.
june was hacking in the bathroom.
and we had painted a huge ass painting.


we are making a home.

so. im smoking.

i know. i know. ive said that ive quit for a long time but i never honestly have intentions of quitting. like many things in my life, i say im going to stop. but i know always, deep down inside that im going to go back to IT.
And plus, djarums remind me of so many people, so many places. Many memories have been made inhaling djarums.

so. a lot has gone on.(And my computer keeps crashing and my phone is somewhat broken, so I have no way of documenting) but its all more internal. well. some.
first off.
moving:
it weird. its so great.and so bad at the same time.
i feel lonely. yes. i have june. but i dont know. i still feel very lonely.it might be the packing unpacking thing. I did feel like this last year when I moved up north. but that was also for other reasons.but then again, they really are the same. They've just progressed. While unpacking I found a shitload of journals from high school and last year. My thoughts have advanced but the feelings are the same.I'm still stuck in the same place as 9th grade. Yes, I've accomplished the short term things. But it all comes down to one thing. Love. I measure myself by love.
Fuck.it hurt reading through those journals.After all those years, you were the only one who stayed in those journals.

But the place is beautiful. Our bedroom is terribly cozy.
My side looks very modern 60's. I didn't plan for that. It just kind of happened.
We have a giant wall in the living room that is being filled with beautiful pictures and paintings and objects. The bathroom is going to have a nature-ish theme to it.lots of twigs and branches. On our chimney is pieces of chalk so people can write on our chimney bricks.poetry.words.drawings. questions.confessions.
Our kitchen is pure vegetarian and is fully stocked with various amounts of tea. We have a green tea kettle, courtesy of my mother. There really is so much more, but its something you have to see in person! Which by the way, we are having a house warming party. We're casting a circle before and blessing the house and then party!
Number 1 rule is:
there will be no sort of throwing up all over my bathroom. (This mainly applies to andrea.)
We're thinking the 30th? I think its a friday. Invitations will be sent out. And gifts are welcome. :)

I'm taking this magic,witchcraft and religion class. Bad ass class. He likes to call out the wiccans, him being one himself.and such interesting looking people in that class.I've fallen in love with this black wiccan guy.well. FOND BUT NOT IN LOVE.

All in all, I am enjoying what I have right now. I just wish I could share it.

and the stars we will never through the holes in your eyes.

well. a lot has happened.
but i feel very absent at the same time.

this was me, three in the morning trying to pack shit last minute.

need to go to bed right now.
will write more later!!!!!

now that youre here,

everyone of us seems to take the wrong way home.

So. Its 3 in the morning,I've been packing and shopping.
Its surreal.
Moving out for the second time is even weirder than the first.
Our place is going to be beautiful! And full of love and art and all that comes along with that!(Cheesy, yes. But true!)

Fuck. I fell asleep.
Too tired to continue...
with a lot of things.
But ready for tomorrow!

we were destined to live out our lives underwater, you and me

ok. so fuck!
im like 3 days away from moving out.
haven't packed.
registered for classes and im like 20th person on waiting list for 3 of my classes.
still cant sleep.
but i really do feel at ease.

im losing my curls.....i dont know if im happy or sad about that. :/


I feel like beautiful things are coming this way!
Please, please, please.
good times for a change.

amanda palmer show

these are A FEW of the many of pictures from the amanda palmer show.

our dead pictures didnt really work out. lame!!!

and its nearly midnight and all i want with my life..

I'd wear your black eyes, bake you apple pies.

underwater-kim vermillion

oh, kim vermillion!
you little octopus.

sometimes i wake up and cant remember how some things happened.
this is one of them.

oh, insomnia. you do me wrong.
last night confetti stuck to my skin.
i drank straight from the bottle.
i fell in love with queer boys.
we danced better than at least half the people in there.
oh. AND i broke my phone.
(which was a big downer, but was kind of a good thing)

i have 8 days until i move in.
havent started packing.
havent registered for classes.
but i feel weirdly calm.
i am SO terribly optimistic about the days to come.

and i have a really weird feeling about someone new.
like some strong energy not even knowing theyre about to stumble on our doorstep.
ive been dreaming up a storm. lets just say that.
and all of it having absolutely nothing to do with you. :]