dirty dirty poem< YOU KNOW I DONT NEED YOU.

no matter how much i try and satisfy myself .it doesnt work.
fuck me to fuck you.
someone inappropriate will find this, it being you. or my dad. or SOMEONE.
I DON'T CARE.
now that the truth is just a rule we can just bend.
spend the night with me.
tell me im not worth it>
BECAUSE I AM NOT.

i dont what was wrong with you.
you should have never breathed it.
you have definitely just cursed yourself.


sickness rules my dead passed body, that in the shadows of green trees climaxes on serpent's tongues. this poetry i write is just for your sickness.
none of them could never do it for me.
none of them could never please me.
breathless orgasms of you will never CUM.
you are stolen goods. spells of lovers and herbs.
i could never wish it upon you.
CURSED by my words. i am too good of a person. and she knows that.
that is whhy she made me promise to never love you.
and from now on< size="5">

if i was never created in love,
how can i love?

there are too many questions<
i dont care if it hurts.
i want to hurt,
i want a perfect soul.
i want you to notice when im not around.
I WISH I WAS SPECIAL.
i am not.
youre so fucking special>
i wish i was special.


is it getting easy not too care?
i want to write everyone that i love and tell them every beautiful thing i think of them.
but i cant. its not normal.
its frightening. whey are we so afraid?
2009 is still not here. im begging for happiness before the end.

i know i wont be here to see the end. but im ok with that.

and now the buzz is running off.
and amanda isnt what i wanted or needed and you are not what i wanted or needed.
so i am more alone than before.
more than i expected.
I'M A CREEP. I'M A WEIRDO.


i want to have control.

I WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO.
BUT I'M SO SCARED.

NO ONE CAN GIVE ME THE ANSWER.
AND I THINK THATS THE HARDEST.
because i already know what im about to do.
and what is worse is i already know the outcome.


its a terrifying sight,
because you and i are living the same way.


p.s. you are still in my nightmares.
david said i have trust issues.

is it enough to have some love?

and i am still not getting what i want.
i want to touch the back of your right arm.
and i wish you could remind who i was.
because everyday i'm a little further off.

the show was BEAUTIFUL.
the danger ensemble were a beautiful acting troupe.
met amanda again. did not cry.
she gave me a hug and nuzzled my neck.
i got a shiver down my spine.
neil gaiman is weirdly hot. saw azaria. nearly died. such a sweet and beautiful man.
saw margaret cho try and fuck someone in the ass with a dildo.
fell in love with an androgynous man from australia who was completely hairless.
zoe keating winked at me. and tried to tell me something but couldnt think of the words.



oh and i came across some crime evidence.
theyre a bunch of pictures of some dead woman. :/

here's one of them.

the dead photos of the girl inspired me and june to take dead pictures of ourselves down hollywood. it didnt really work out. we just looked like some passed out bums....... will post some later.


red jasper. rose quartz. tiger eye.
for only you.....

Another dream.
I had a dream there was a huge earthquake but it was in the ocean. So there was these huge waves and everyone had to get on their roofs and try and save themselves.


All this talking.
You'd think I'd have something to say.
:(

Amanda Palmer tonight!
And at such an appropriate time.I can't wait to cry my eyes out and lose my voice.

don't ask. just enjoy.

me and andrea can have ridiculous fun anywhere.
but put us in disneyland, and we're in heaven.

the good that won't come out

another nightmare.
same ole, same ole.
except this time i embarrassed myself by getting drunk and falling down in the streets.

i dont think i can do this.
i have nightmares over my fears.

christmas break is well needed.
and i'll be home alone.
which is what i need. i can't stand christmas.

come back its fine. bring some wine.
leave my mind, forever.

mmm. i'm craving wine.

in dreams, emotions are overwhelming.

i had a dream where things kept going from perfect to regular. regular to perfect.
and i was walking home with all my favorite things in my arms.
my amanda palmer poster that she signed. my h&m pants. love letters from the past. journals. photographs. etc. and i was crossing the street. and when i tried to jump up on the curb, everything i had fell into the sewer gutter. but i was still barely holding on. and i knew that if i tried to grab one thing, i would lose everything. and i kept thinking i could save it. it was like a toilet flushing.....

i have the strangest dreams.




so quiet, they could hear each other's thinking

i wish i could buy back.....

i cant stop blogging. :\ i think cus my thoughts wont stop racing.
about everything. simple things, difficult things.
and plus, i went a little crazy with a 2 liter jarritos bottle of mandarin.
and my body freaked out and i was shaking and wanted to throw up.
and i started getting panicky and thought about diabeeetus.
and enrique kept telling me to stick some sort of pill up my butt. :\
no thanks.

so ive been thinking about the summer. and i kind of want to disappear.
there is couchsurfing. i might go up north. or maybe east.
maybe i can get a month off work. hmmm.
i just need a partner in crime.
you can never really find someone who is just as willing as you.
theyre either too much or too little. does that make sense?

oh man. too many ideas are suddenly popping in my head.
i think its the sugar.
or maybe its just to distract myself......

if youre reading this. you care. and thats all i need for now.
...but youre not. :(
next exit - interpol.