currently reading:

READ THIS BOOK!

it's about love and time.

smother

feeling so unholy.....


how can it feel, this wrong

dirty thoughts.

"feast your eyes, i'm the only one
control me, console me
cause that's just how it should be done
oh, all your history's like fire from a busted gun
i show some love and respect
don't wanna get a life of regret"

my nightmares have changed. its a complete different thing.
i know exactly what it means.
is time turning around?
would we do the things we wanted if there was limited time?
if we knew how many hours we had left.

water gun

eddie came over today. he might be leaving in a week to camp pendleton.
its such a sad thing to see somebody with eddie's brilliance go off to the military.
he's such a good little boy. he has his demons, but hes nothing but a gentle soul.

i dont really feel comfortable with any other boy as much as eddie.

the events of june 14th

1. did not go to sleep at all, sleep is so useless to me!
2. yard sale:
-while trying to pounce on eddie, i slammed my head against the wall
- i was pulling grass and the grass cut me
-got free stuff! bracelet, book.
-raced eddie while i was on a bike, him on foot. he totally fucking beat me.... hes a marine.
-brenda's mom made us delicious food.
-no real success
3. heard an ice cream truck, so june rode kenneth's bike and i rode eddie's with him on the pegs looking for an ice cream truck. no success. but it was so much fucking fun.
4. punched eddie in the balls.
5. arm wrestled, i am so fucking weak. even june was better than me.
6.had an extreme water fight. we tag teamed and made eddie suck dick! why go to iraq when you can shoot us with water all day?
7. played dead with eddie, he smothered me a little too hard. and he sucked at playing dead. when i would uncover his face he would already be smiling, supposedly 'he had died with a smile on his face'
8. played barbies with j and e, and we turned it into some wet t-shirt contest/ strip club squirting the barbies with the water gun while playing lovegame by lady gaga in the background. it ended in an orgy.
9. ate leftover tiramisu

i havent had so much fun in such a long time.
i felt like i was a little kid again.
i havent felt that in a while.
:)

i feel my face sinking in. my collarbones stick out more and more.
i eat like a scavenger. piece of bread there, some carrots there. a rice cake here.
i hardly sleep. when i do i have nightmares and the 'sleep paralysis'.


maybe im having some sort of thoughts where in them day dreams are hallucinations. time doesnt exist in this zombie-state. im stuck in the past while in the present already knowing the future.
I AM SO FUCKING CONFUSED!

my emotions are ocean waves.
there are so many games we are all playing.


where are you sunny days?
heaven knows how much i miss you...

yours, piale

surprise

last night was absolutely beautiful!

all the hard work payed off. keeping my mouth shut was the hardest.
june seemed happy, and that was what we had planned. there was disco balls that we made. there was balloons everywhere, streamers everywhere. luminaries/pom poms. confetti everywhere. bubbles. little christmas lights outside.


i drank drank drank. me and sarah were conjoined at the head and made fools of ourselves. it is what we do best. :) i dont really think i can act as much as a retard with anyone else.
i danced my heart out to animal collective and yyy's.
i broke a lamp.
i spilled wine.
the cops came.

terrible mess left over. a moderate hangover.
kenneth vacuumed/cleaned everything.
what a little sweetheart.

played basketball with june and her short ass little brother, in which he slaughtered our weak sauce asses. which made me realize i have excellent pain threshold, but i have no body strength. im some healthy malnourished weak vegetarian.

after times like these, i realize im extremely privileged. im very fortunate to have beautiful people surrounding me in my beautiful home.
i forget the darkness of life and become filled with light.
(yes, thats very free love, smoke lots of weed, green hippie shit. so what!)

im happy right now.

losing my religion

im thinking a lot of things over.
im really dissatisfied with a lot of things at the moment.

i dont like the people im around.
i dont like my job.
i dont like where im living.

these things are half true.

i need truthful and fun people.
i need a job that makes me happy.
i need to live somewhere completely new.

time for some serious thinking.

wish for open windows!

if i could just leave my body for the night

"if I could just leave my body for the night

then we could be dancing
no more missing you while I'm gone
then we could be dancing
and you'd smile and say, "I like this song"
and when our eyes will meet there
we will recognize nothing's wrong
and I wouldn't feel so selfish
i won't be this way very long

to hold you in time.."

"In the Flowers" Animal Collective Music Video from jeffrey cravath on Vimeo.

dancing to animal collective with someone you love is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
come and dance with me while listening to animal collective....

dont explain

"all my thoughts were real
they were so sincere
i was so completely yours"

there is a light and it never...

cloud watching:
in the clouds i see the red-headed devil hernan cortes with his pistol.
but theres no pillaging because hes too busy kissing an exotic bird.
thats feeds him regurgitated worm.
i have yet to cut my blond dead-ends.
as i have yet to throw out the overflowing cigarette buds in my ashtray.

PARK THAT CAR
DROP THAT PHONE
SLEEP ON THE FLOOR
DREAM ABOUT ME

a couple days ago i got a package that i made in 9th grade for myself 5 years later. its a little late. but in there was photos, some random ass shit. a letter from me, my mom and my best friend at the time. it seems as if a lot has changed, but the same thoughts are here.
a lot of things that are happening now, i predicted.
some feelings never leave. they just continue to grow.

and im very glad things went the way they did.
even though i never want to have anything to do with certain people,
they shaped the way things went and are now.
its all very cause and effect. karma. moving motion. pure energy.
now.... onto the next five years.
its a changing universe.

seems hard to work towards absolutely nothing.

angel

if every angel's terrible then why do you welcome them?


i have a crush on my medicine man....
he cures the sadness of my heart.

beautiful boy...
a devil's child with dove wings
angelic hoodlums and holy ones


all those beautiful boyz

tattoo of ships and tattoos of tears......