I love you.

And I love you because of this.
When we were in your car that night and you asked me if I thought I was pretty and I scoffed and said no.

You looked at me with the most serious I've ever seen you be and you told me.
"No. You are pretty.
You're a pretty girl.
And you know it.
That's why you hate to admit it."

That's the closest I've ever come to feeling beautiful.

I wasn't too drunk to remember that moment. I have the scar to remind us of that night. Proof that our love once burned in a cemetery, in a car, in a bathroom. Under the moon that baptized our love that was wrong, that was right. That was destined for failure the moment we knew it wasn't worth the fight.

We pissed on the earth, we kissed the sky. We held each other and knew the sun rised for us only.
That was the night I knew you only my blood pumped and pumped for your eyes and your brown skin against mine, and your pink tongue against mine.
One day I will see you again.
One day we'll meet.

Whenever this time of year comes around, the cold and the browning of leaves brings me back to you and the love I have always stored away for you.

This year, that love won't come.
I've replaced you too many times these past months for me to remember how we loved one another.
I've forgotten what that kind of love feels like.
I'm numb to your eyes and your touch.
My body no longer knows softness, my ears no longer know your words.
I am numb to your kiss.
My body had grown tough with experience.
Scars from other loves that have replaced you since those rainy days in November.
The dreams don't come around anymore where we're together.

But whenever this time of year comes around, I will remember how we loved one another in secret. And how I used to ache for you in the cold.

I've been looking at the bite marks.
And it scares me that its still there.
And I've kissed sunlight much longer than I have you.
And I've drank whatever liquor is near to forget you.
And the saddest songs have been playing on my record player.
My body aches. My throat hurts cus of the smoke. It reminds me of you. And me. You and me.
But it's still there.
My brown skin turns browner everyday with each day spent in this hot heat. My brown skins turns browner with each city I run away to.
And its still not gone.
You're with me everywhere. Its disgusting. Its hopeless.

HURT ME. HURT ME. HURT ME.
BITE ME. And you did. And I screamed and laughed because I made you hurt me. So that when you finished hurting me altogether it wouldn't feel so bad because I let you.

Don't come back. Don't come back. Please. Come back.
I've never felt happiness so give me what I know. HURT ME.

When I'll look at my life at my passing moment and put my life memories into fractions. You won't even be a brief second.
You're less than a second.not half a second, not a quarter or an eighth.
And that makes me want to vomit.
It makes me so sick to know it was so quick.
You were absolutely beautiful and naïve. Brief but brilliant.
I'll forget about you in a year and I'll come across your face later in life and whisper to whoever is with me, I know that guy. He looks so familiar.
You were familiar even when I first met you. And thats what scares me most about you already being gone.

forget what i said about wanting to make love.

no, im fine with the emptiness. im fine with not feeling anything.
i dont want any of that.

Tell me something only the two of us would know.

Its me.Trust me.

No, tell me something.

Like what?

Something only you and me would know.

The cemetery.

Ok.

This light over me is screaming at me. But fuck it, ignore it, kill it.
there is a numbness to everything right now,
and im killing whatever is left with alcohol and boys that don't matter.

i feel disconnected to my spirit, im stuck in feeling my body too much.
my thoughts arent what they used to be.
i dont care about the people i used to anymore.
i care about people who don't matter.
my thoughts run through my errors in the past.

i dont want to fuck you. i dont want to fuck any of you.
i want to make love.
how can i make love when i love none?

bring on that dark place. i am not scared of my mind anymore.

Hey come here
Let me whisper in your ear
I hate myself and I want to die